Building Strong Foundations for Teen Decision-Making (Without Micromanaging)

Struggling to strike the perfect balance between letting your teens spread their wings and keeping them under a watchful eye?

As a confidence, connection, leadership and life coach with a treasure trove of parenting expertise, on this episode we are going to talk about how to foster independence and autonomy without micromanaging.

I'll take you through 6 steps (a roadmap of sorts) towards building trust with open communication, and setting the stage for your teen's decision-making prowess—all without suffocating their budding desire for independence.

It's not just about fostering independence; it's about cultivating a connection that will stand the test of time and challenge.

HAPPENINGS:

1) Free Webinar --- How parents of teens and tweens can better connect without all the arguments, attitude, disrespect or guilt). 

2) Free Better Connect With Your Teen or Tween Checklist -- designed to help you identify where the gaps might lie so you can have more calm, less conflict, and better connections (with yourself, as well as your child and others).  Send me a message for the link. https://m.me/reneesinning

2) The Confidently Connected [Teen/Tween] System is a super easy 3-step system for teens, tweens, and parents.

It's designed to give today's youth tools to help them discover who they are so they don't spend years suffering from low self-esteem, a lack of confidence or motivation, unhealthy relationships (with themselves and others), and generally6 feeling lost, stuck, unhappy, or out of control.

The Confidently Connected [Parent] System gives parents of teens and tweens tools to support and better understand what their kids might be going through, as well as help them strengthen or create strong, healthy relationships (with their kids, themselves, and others).

Because the system is hybrid, that means the teen/tween can work at their own pace and in their own time, as the content is fully digital.

Additionally, there are weekly call opportunities to connect for both the teens/tweens, and, separately, for the parents.

This might just be the easiest system you will come across to get teens and tweens the information they need (which is generally NOT taught in schools) to improve their self-worth, their confidence, and their overall mindset so they can become happy, successful young adults, which all parents want for their kids.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Empowered Parent Podcast with Renee. Being a teenager is hard. Being a parent of a teenager can be even harder. Each episode we deliver tips, tools, tricks and stories to help you feel empowered, confident and energized as the parents of a teenager. Teenagers want to be happy. Sometimes they just need a little help along the way. Now here's your host, renee Sinning. Renee is a certified life leadership and success coach for teenagers and their parents. She's also a mom of three young adults and an experienced high school educator of 18 years. Renee is well-versed in everything teen. Now, without any further ado, here's Renee.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Hey parents, it's Renee. Welcome to another episode of the Empowered Parent Podcast. On this episode, we are going to talk about empowering independence in your teen or tween and navigating parenting during this time without micromanaging, because it's very important and essential actually to strike a balance between guidance and fostering their autonomy and their independence. So today I'm going to share strategies to foster independence, to build trust and maintain a healthy parent-child relationship during the teen tween years. If you don't have that already and you feel like it's impossible, if you are constantly micromanaging because you are afraid or worried about their future, you're not alone. We've all been there and a lot of times, as parents, we do know what's best, but at the same time, we are raising young adults right. We're raising our kids to become capable, confident and empowered young adults in their own right, which isn't easy because sometimes they make decisions and choices that we don't agree with, maybe that we know are not best for them, and so we kind of want to come in and fix, but a lot of times that is more harmful than helpful. So I'm going to talk about how do we empower teen tween independence without micromanaging, and we're going to go through six steps. They are, number one, understanding your child's need for independence, sometimes just by understanding that it allows us to make sense of some of the things that they're doing. Number two, recognizing what micromanagement looks like from a parenting perspective and the impact or consequences that that might have on your teen or tween. Number three, building trust with them through better connection and communication. Number four setting boundaries and expectations. Number five, encouraging decision-making skills. And then number six is nurturing that supportive environment and probably a lot of these things you already do. We're just going to kind of put them all together. So again we're talking about how do we empower teen tween independence without micromanaging them. So step one is understanding the need for independence and so your kids, as they're going through these years, they're going through many developmental milestones that we don't think about as our kids are going through it. I know I didn't. When my kids were teens and tweens I wasn't thinking, oh, this is just a developmental milestone, but looking back on it, that information could have been very helpful.

Speaker 2: 3:34

So tweens are nine to 12 years and then teens are 13 to 18. And some of those developmental milestones are pretty obvious, like the physical milestones, obviously. That's right in front of our eyes. There's also cognitive milestones, which is kind of their reasoning skills. And so it's during the tween years where they begin to develop problem-solving skills. They're not expert at it but they're beginning to develop those skills. And it teens cognitively and developmentally the as they become more into the teen years, thirteen to eighteen they start to have the ability to reflect on their own thoughts and feelings. But that takes time to develop. That self awareness piece is not innate during the teen years and it comes on gradually. Also it's different for every child. If your child has Delays like eighty, eight year, they're on the spectrum, autism spectrum, they're gonna be a little bit behind, that kind of no quote set developmental delays. But so physical, cognitive, we've got social and emotional developmental milestones for tweens.

Speaker 2: 4:46

It's during these years where they start to form those more complex peer relationships more than when they were in elementary school. It's when they start to pull away and parents might see those first signs of independence from the routine between. Sometimes it seems like it happens overnight and that's because your kids are developing a sense of identity. Then during the teen years they're more able to kind of explore their personal values in beliefs and their identity. They're kind of making, trying to make sense of how they fit into the world. They're having more stable and closer relationships during the teen years, the middle school years. Relationships are all over the place with their friendships, are best friends with someone one day and then they're not friends with them the next door, whatever. There's so many changes during the middle school years and then they move into high school and that social emotional development becomes a little bit stronger and they start to have more stable friendships. They do continue to pull away with that increased independence and autonomy and their emotional regulation and coping skills. They just become more refined as their brain develops.

Speaker 2: 6:01

Another developmental milestone is social skills. Again during the teen years they're developing those social skills, are developing better communication skills, including conflict resolution, although they're still pretty immature during that time, so it's just in the beginning stages, but they are beginning to understand kind of what's expected of them. They're trying to make sense of societal norms and social norms and navigate their way through that which can be really hard and very emotional. Then during the teen years they're developing those more Sophisticated communication skills. They're starting they have a little bit more empathy, they're better, they're a better listener, so that those active listening skills are developing and then they're having again those deeper and more meaningful relationships and then again identity and self discovery.

Speaker 2: 6:55

That's another developmental milestone that's happening during the teen and tween years and there, excuse me, they're recognizing the importance of independence and being their own self in building their self esteem. And if they aren't able to do that, if parents are micromanaging everything, it really does impact their self esteem. So they're really kind to figure out where they fit in. They're trying to push those independence boundaries. But that's all normal, it's a developmental skill. We want our kids to become more independent so that when they leave the nest they have some of these skills. So so that is.

Speaker 2: 7:39

Step one is really just understanding where their need for independence come from comes from and understanding those developmental milestones. Step two is recognizing micromanagement and the impact or consequences Of that. And so when we think about micromanagement in the context of parenting, we're thinking we're talking about where a parent excessively controls or overseas like all of their child's life To an extreme and to the point that it's actually becomes intrusive. A lot of times I mean, parents do this out of love, because you're trying to protect your kids and you want them to be safe, but sometimes we don't, we're not aware of really how much micromanaging we are doing. Another type you've probably seen the parents who monitor every aspect of their kids life. They're directing all of their activities, all of their decisions, all of their behaviors. When this happens, it actually leaves Very little room for your child to develop independence, make choices and learn from their experiences.

Speaker 2: 8:47

So micromanaging parents they might think that they're just supporting their kids and my kids are so lucky because I'm in their life and I care, which is amazing and they are. But we want to be careful to not be overly involved in their academic, social and extracurricular activities. We don't want to be constantly dictating how they should approach tasks or how they should interact with their friends or their peers or plan their free time, because when we do that, it's actually hindering their ability to develop problem solving skills and decision making and it impacts their self esteem and their ability to believe and trust in their own judgment. So, identifying those signs of micromanaging behaviors within yourself if you have them, you might have just one or two and you might be like, oh my gosh, I really am micromanaging and this is just all about awareness, because the truth is you only control you and so you can control how you show up and recognizing what micromanaging is because we don't always think about it in the moment and the impact it has on our teens. When kids are overly micromanaged, it reduces their independence. It affects their self esteem because it's all being done for them. So how do they trust themselves or believe in themselves? It limits their creativity and problem solving skills. It causes it often causes a big strain in the relationship that you have with your teen or tween, especially as they get older and they want independence. And then kids that are overly micromanaged will go into adulthood with a fair fear of failure because everything's been done for them, and so that is.

Speaker 2: 10:37

Step two is recognizing micromanagement and the consequences, because you can change that and you might not even be aware. So no judgment. Parents, give yourself grace if you are a parent that maybe micromanage is a little bit too much. Maybe that's how you were brought up and I'm sure you're doing it out of love, but there are impacts and there are consequences that will affect your child's development and could affect their self esteem. So that's step two.

Speaker 2: 11:04

Step three is building trust through communication and connection. I'm always talking about connection and communication. It's so vital. So what can you do in lieu of micromanagement management. Number one foster trust, and that comes from open communication. That comes from active listening, understanding your teens per tweens perspectives perspective, allowing them to feel seen, heard and valued, encouraging open and honest dialogue without judgment, any judgment on your part, just listening and guiding if they ask so. Kids don't want parents to fix their problems, even starting in the teen tween years, those younger years, as they start to pull away, they will often want to figure things out for themselves. So just kind of listening, without judgment, without going in and fixing, can really booster that parent child relationship and build trust. Sometimes this does require the parent to really look within themselves, within ourselves, and examine how you are showing up, because that is a piece you can Troll and remember from the teen perspective and the tween perspective. They're smart and perception is reality. So you might think you're showing up one way, but really, kind of looking at that from your teen or tweens perspective can be like oh, maybe I'm, maybe that makes sense why they think that? Because this is how I'm showing up. So self awareness, kind of digging into your own stuff and how things might be perceived from their perspective, and so that's step three building trust through communication and connection. Step four to parenting navigating.

Speaker 2: 12:54

Parenting without micromanaging is setting boundaries and expectations so everyone's on the same page, so there's no confusion that allows for gaps in understanding. So you want to establish clear and reasonable boundaries and these boundaries are going to shift as they are different ages, that they're in those different developmental states. So you want to revisit boundaries a lot and you want to revisit expectations frequently. So what you set up in seventh grade is not going to be the same in eighth grade. It might not even be the same in the second half of seventh grade, because kids are growing and learning and developing, and so establishing clear and reasonable boundaries involving your teen and tween and the decision making process I put an asterisk there because it depends on the child, it depends on your relationship with the child, it depends on where the gaps are and connection.

Speaker 2: 13:45

If it's the right situation involving your teen and tween and some of these boundaries and expectations can go a long way in building trust and getting them on the same page and getting that buy in. This is when I expect you to be home and there's gonna be consequences if you're not home at that time. Let's talk about that. What do you think those consequences can be and involve them, because the older they get, the easier this can be and it's very empowering for them because they've become part of that process. That's hard to do if you don't have a good relationship or good connection or good communication, but as that grows and builds, you can do some of these things together and it's really teaching them life skills.

Speaker 2: 14:23

It's giving, allowing them have their voice heard and showing them that you respect their judgment and you trust and when you hear what they have to say, and then also setting boundaries and expectations. It's about balancing those rules that you send place with flexibility to allow for growth and responsibilities. Sometimes they are not going to follow the rules, but there's a good reason. Maybe something came up, they were helping a friend, someone was stranded, whatever that might be. So you always want to allow flexibility for those exceptions and things that happen, so they're not hiding things from you. So that is number three. So again, number one was understanding their need for independence. Number two is recognizing the consequences or impacts of micro management. Number three was building trust through communication. Number four was setting boundaries and expectations.

Speaker 2: 15:16

Number five is encouraging those decision making skills, and we want to always provide opportunities for your kids to make choices, even if we don't agree with those choices. We want to allow for natural consequences as much as possible so that our kids can learn from their mistakes. I always have said I like the quote failures, if they're not life altering find and achieve important, important messages. Those natural consequences are powerful and they're going to learn better that way from the natural consequences of their own mistakes, then from anything else, and then encouraging decision making skills. When we do this, we put some of the ball in their court. It instills in them a sense of responsibility. They've made these decisions. They are Either benefiting from or suffering the consequences of whatever those decisions are, and it helps them to believe in themselves, to boost your self esteem, to boost their confidence in their decision making ability, which are also powerful as they navigate these years and eventually go out into the real world.

Speaker 2: 16:26

And then the last one is nurturing that supportive environment, creating a supportive and non judgmental environment at home, with little conflict, as little conflict is possible, hopefully. A calm home, more calm, less conflict, better connection that's what I always say. You don't have a lot of chaos. A chaotic home does not breed the kind of connection and communication that we need a chaotic home actually often breeds a lot of micromanaging on the parents part just to try to get some control. So we want to nurture that supportive environment. We want to celebrate achievements big and small doesn't matter how big or how small. We want to offer guidance without taking over their decision making process and the order they get. Ask their permission. Do you want to hear what I have to say? Do you want my guidance? Do you want my ideas? If they say no, honor that and then yeah, so that's it.

Speaker 2: 17:23

And again, this is about navigating the teen tween years without micromanaging, so that we can foster that independence in our kids, so we can empower them, so we can build trust and so we can have a good relationship with them.

Speaker 2: 17:38

And again, those six steps were Understanding the need for independence, recognizing micromanagement if you might be doing it already and the impact or consequences that has on kids. Building trust through connection and communication, setting clear boundaries and expectations, encouraging decision making skills and then nurturing that supportive environment. Remembering empowering independence doesn't mean letting go completely parents. It's about finding that right balance. And then remember that by fostering communication and responsibility, it really helps to navigate the challenge of parenting teens and tweens Without resorting to micromanage, because you can actually back off a little bit, which is so much less stressful for you, because you're trusting them, because you're connecting with them, because you're communicating with them, because you believe in their responsibility, even if they make mistakes. It just might take a little work on your part and a little insight on your part to figure out exactly where things are right now and any shifts you might Want to make within your family. And that's okay. None of us are perfect and it's always a work in progress. So that's it for this episode and I hope to see you next time.