Ever wondered why your teen's nose seems to grow longer with every word they utter? Don't fret, it's not a personal attack and you're certainly not alone in this journey. Parents, I invite you to join me as we dissect the complex world of teenage lies. As a parent of three and an experienced educator, I've been through the agony of being lied to and am here to share four valuable strategies to help you navigate these murky waters.
Strap in as we delve deeper into the parent-teen relationship, exploring how to cultivate trust through understanding, open communication, positive reinforcement, and boundary-setting. Gain insights into the motives behind teen lies and seize each lie as an opportunity for connection and understanding. By stepping back and decoding the underlying messages, you can comprehend the struggles your teenager is facing, be it low self-esteem, peer pressure, or fear. This episode promises an enlightening conversation to equip you with the tools you need to effectively handle teen dishonesty and fortify your bond with your teenager. So, parents, if you're on a quest to mend the rift with your teen, this is one conversation you won't want to miss!
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UNLEASH CONFIDENCE and BOLSTER CONNECTION [For Teens, Tweens, and their Parents]
A hybrid journey for teens and tweens to ACTIVATE Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance, Self-BELIEF, and Self-CONFIDENCE
Improve attitude so there is less arguing and conflict within the home
Let go of mom guilt and 24/7 worry, sleepless nights, and feeling like you are walking on eggshells
This journey be done solo-journey (with parent guidance of course), or with the added support of our teen/tween weekly catch up calls. Group coaching is a powerful modality of support for both teens and parents, as it helps you to feel like you are not the only one going through stuff!
UNLEASH CONFIDENCE BOLSTER CONNECTION for teens and tweens is our empowering SEL-inspired system, created specifically for this age group to Activate Confidence (the end result) through 3 powerful modules.
UNLEASH CONFIDENCE BOLSTER CONNECTION PARENT is an opportunity for you to get your questions and concerns answered on our weekly parent calls.
This journey is best suited for those between (10ish-15ish), though the content is relevant to all ages - including older teens, and even adults.
What if I told you, though, that every time your teenager lies to you, there is an opportunity to connect and strengthen your relationship? Would you think I was absolutely nuts and that I had no idea what I was talking about? You might think that, clearly, I don't know your kid. Trust me, I get it. I have three young adults. I have been lied to and I have been triggered. It is not fun, so I feel your pain. If you have a teenager that lies and that's something that really triggers you, I feel your pain. I have been there, but I've also learned a few things along the way, and I do believe that every time your teenager lies, there is an opportunity there, so we're going to talk in this episode about four ways to navigate teens and lying.
Speaker 2:
Welcome to the empowered parent podcast with Renee. Being a teenager is hard. Being a parent of a teenager can be even harder. Each episode we deliver tips, tools, tricks and stories to help you feel empowered, confident and energized as the parents of a teenager. Teenagers want to be happy. Sometimes they just need a little help along the way. Now here's your host, Renee Sinning. Renee is a certified life leadership and success coach for teenagers and their parents. She's also a mom of three young adults and an experienced high school educator of 18 years. Renee is well versed in everything teen. Now, without any further ado, here's Renee.
Speaker 1:
Parents. It is Renee Sinning here, teen Life Coach and parent partner. It is time for another episode of the empowered parent podcast, and in this episode, we're going to talk about teenagers lying and opportunity. Yes, so there is opportunity when teens lie, and most all teenagers lie at one time or another. Many, many, many teens get triggered when they are lied to. But what if I told you that every time your teenager lies, there's an opportunity to connect and strengthen your relationship? Would you think I was nuts? Would you think that I have no idea what I'm talking about? Or maybe you would think that clearly, I don't know your kid. Trust me, I get it. I've got three young adults. I have definitely been yet lied to in years past and and I have 100% been triggered. But I've also learned a few things along the way, and I do believe that every time your teenager lies, there is an opportunity there, and I'm going to explain why. So we're going to talk about four ways to navigate teens and lying.
Speaker 1:
Number one is don't take it personally. Sometimes, when our teenagers lie to us, we take great personal offense, as if they must have absolutely zero respect for everything we've done for them. Teenagers lie to make themselves feel better. It's about them, it's not about us. So by not taking it personally, which automatically puts us on the defensive, you're less likely to lose your marbles and damage your relationship. In the heat of the moment, responding in that calm manner is always more effective than an emotionally charged reaction. I think we all know that and we've probably all been guilty of our emotions getting the best of us for time to time Completely normal. If that happens, give yourself grace.
Speaker 1:
The key here is to be more aware, going forward and recognize that when they lie, it's about them, it isn't about you, and so what you can do is your action would be kind of number one become more aware. And number two take a deep breath before you react. Kind of take a moment, take that deep breath, walk out of the room if you have to something to get away before you respond or encounter that lie. So that's number one Try not to take it personally. I know it's not easy. Number two don't treat every lie the same. When a teenager lies to you about a test they fail, that doesn't hold the same weight as if they tell you they're sleeping over at a friend's house and instead they're going to a party and doing drinking. Drinking or doing drugs or going and hanging out with a boyfriend or girlfriend you don't approve of, or spending the night at a boyfriend or girlfriend's house.
Speaker 3:
Be sure that the consequences match the lie. For example, your child telling you that they fail their math test doesn't necessarily constitute losing driving privileges for a month, and similarly, a first time lie Depending on what it is, of course doesn't always hold the same weight as the teenager who lies about everything over and over again. When the punishment doesn't match the crime, or when the consequence of the light doesn't match the lie itself, it could potentially create anger, distrust and even a bigger gap in your relationship, which that teen parent relationship is really delicate as it stands. So anything we can do to lessen that gap is always a benefit. So some things that you can try to do is number one step back and think about the things your child has lied about in the past or Might lie about, maybe even rank them on Importance to you, because there's like little white lies, but then there's like really big lies, things that you can't get past. So as a parent, you need to have your boundaries. Set clear boundaries. Think about what you'll tolerate, what you cannot tolerate. Set clear consequences. If you can do this from the get-go, that's always best, so you aren't making stuff up as you're going along in the heat of the moment. Going back to square one is always more Challenging than setting boundaries from the beginning. Now, if you are already in the situation where you have a teenager that lies a lot and you're really frustrated with it, you may have to kind of go back to that square one and Kind of rewrite the rules, set really clear boundaries, and then the key in this position is going to be really for you to be really really Consistent in following through on exactly what you say. Those rules and consequences are, and there's so many factors that come into play, so many Family dynamics, that it isn't easy. So you're gonna want to have buy-in by whoever is in that household supporting you your spouse or your partner or whatever that is. So as much buy-in as you can get as you. If you're restarting the rule setting of lying, it's always going to take a little bit more work, but it can be done.
Speaker 3:
Number three be open to the idea that each lie has a different message. What if every lie your teenager tells you actually was giving you information about their life and about your relationship with your teenager? For example, why is your teenager lying to you about their grade Right? Is this about them or is it about you? Does it have to do with them feeling really dumb and not understanding the work. Is it low self-esteem? Is it a lack of confidence? Is it so embarrassing to just you know, they compare themselves so much to others that it's just embarrassing to have to admit that they fail to test. Or do they fail? They can't, maybe, meet your expectations. It's too much pressure, pressure. So what is the reason that your team felt the need to lie about their grades? Maybe there's something they wanted to do, you know, an event they want to go to, and they're afraid they're getting grounded. Whatever the reason is, it's there and so what is the message?
Speaker 3:
Likewise, if your teenager is lying to you about being at a friend's house and instead they went to a party, or they want to see a Boyfriend or a girlfriend, or like kind of a bigger lie, they're still gonna be a message there, like what's going on in their life that they don't want to share with you, or they succumbing to peer pressure. Right, that's a big one and that's really hard to deal with. Are they afraid those? You'll say no, and so they don't even ask. Are you a parent that shares things with your friends? Maybe your teenager would like to be honest with you but they don't trust you with their private information. But you know, honestly, parents talk, right, that's how we get through stuff. We share stuff with our friends to help us process them and come up with ways To handle situations. But if you do that too much and if you share everything and teenagers know this and so that could be a reason so you just want to kind of like take a little, take a little look inside and say, hmm, is there something that I'm doing? What is the message? Why are they lying to me about this or this or this?
Speaker 3:
We know that sometimes teenagers lie just to lie. They lie to get away from stuff. They could be in a rebellious phase, they could be testing limits. Still there's a message there and still there's a reason. So even if they are in that rebellious phase, even if they are testing limits, we still need that information. So there is still a benefit to kind of seeing and thinking about where they're going from. So what you want to do is kind of see if you can find the message by stepping outside of the lie. Take that deep breath, take a bird's eye view like, look down on the situation and try to Emotionally remove yourself from the lie to see if you can find the message. Because that leads us to number four within the message is the opportunity.
Speaker 3:
So, parents and I've said this before you only control you. Right, we can influence our kids, but we can't control them from lying, right, we can't. We're not responsible for all of the choices that our teenagers make. We can guide them, we influence them, we teach them and we do all those things that your amazing parents are doing, but ultimately, you control the choices you make and they control the choices they make, especially the older they get. So the question is here and the opportunity comes in. And what can you do to improve your relationship with your teenager? Like, are there any gaps that you're not doing? Right? What is your role in closing gaps? Because the parenting relationship it's a two-way stream. Right, parents aren't perfect. You're not expected to be perfect. You should never feel like you have to be perfect, but when you kind of start to recognize that, huh, there could be opportunity here, that's when you wanna start by looking at yourself, because that's the piece that you 100% control.
Speaker 3:
So how are you showing up each and every day? Are you really open to those important, vulnerable conversations? Are you willing and open to hear their side of the story without judgment or criticism? Do you listen when they talk? Do you like their friends? You know, teenagers are really, really protective of their friends and if they think that you don't like their friends, a lot of lying happens in that arena. Do you trust them? Trust is huge. Are you open to working together to build or strengthen your relationship so you can both get what you want? And that's a big question because some parents aren't. Some parents are just at their wits end.
Speaker 3:
So be open to looking and asking yourself and being honest with yourself, whether or not you are in a place where you're willing to open or you're willing and open to work on that relationship. Seeing things from your teenager's perspective not only is an opportunity to bridge that gap, it also leaves your teenager feeling seen, heard and valued, and sometimes taking that bird's eye view is what allows you to see things from their perspective and then they could be more open to sharing. So again, the action here is in the opportunity, which is your piece of the pie is doing everything within your power to deepen that connection with your teenager and strengthen that relationship so there's less of a need for them to feel they have to lie to you. And so looking within yourself at what you can improve on. And here's a side note parents, if you're doing everything you possibly can and on your end and your teenager's still running rampant and you're at your wits end and you just feel like you don't have any support and you just can't do it, there is absolutely no shame in seeking help and support from an outside source. Don't feel bad. You are not alone. So many parents have been there, so never feel bad about feeling like you are just at your wits end. There's always help available. And just know you're not alone and give yourself grace. We do the best we can as parents. Raising teens into this day and age is hard. Being a teenager is hard. Being a parent of a teenager is hard. So always give yourself grace, but also know that sometimes little tweaks can go a long way. So just some food for thought as we talk about teens, lies and opportunity. And that's it for this session, this podcast.
Speaker 3:
I am Renee Sinning, teen Life Coach and Parent Partner. I work with teenagers and parents every single day. If you think you might like to learn a little bit about Teen Life Coaching, book, a free parent strategy. Console. Coaching is not for everybody, but you have nothing to lose by hopping on a call. I don't share my information unless you ask and unless I think we're good fit. So, if nothing else, it's all about arming yourself with information. Also, if you'd like to deepen your relationship with your teenager and take it to the next level, Having already.
Speaker 3:
I also have a five day better connection with your teen challenge. It is free, you get 10 days of access, there's no upsell. It has workbook, it has videos and it's just that. Look inside, right. How can I better my connection with my teenager? We can always better our connection. So even if you have a good relationship, we can always make it better. And that challenge, the bonus of the challenge, is actually it works for all relationships. So again, I will see you next time.
Speaker 2:
Thanks for joining us this week on the Empowered Parent Podcast. Be sure to subscribe so you'll never miss a show While you're at it. If you found value in this show, we'd appreciate a rating on iTunes, or if you'd simply tell a friend about the show, that would help us out too. Be sure to head over to reneasendingcom to pick up some parenting freebies. And remember teenagers want to be happy. Sometimes they just need a little help along the way.