Imagine navigating the tricky terrain of parenting, equipped with the simple but powerful tool of saying 'No'. Yes, that's right! This episode of Empowered Parent Podcast is all about mastering the art of 'No'. Together, we will explore how this two-letter word can command respect, create consistency, and eliminate conflict in your family. From personal experiences to practical tips, I will guide you through the process of setting clear expectations for your children and fostering a secure environment that respects physical and emotional boundaries.
Tune in as we delve deeper into the delicacies of difficult conversations, balancing flexibility with rigidity, and maintaining peace within the family unit. Gain invaluable insights into shaping a healthy relationship with your children and building an environment where 'No' is a full sentence - no justification or endless discussions needed. Whether you're a newbie or a veteran in the parenting journey, this episode promises to empower you to become a more confident and effective parent. So, are you ready to harness the power of 'No'?
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IMPORTANT FACEBOOK UPDATE: My FB was hacked recently, so there is not as much content as previously. I have created a new profile and FB community but it's acting up again. I've also got content on INSTAGRAM, YOUTUBE, and most recently, PINTEREST.
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Welcome to the Empowered Parent Podcast with Renee. Being a teenager is hard. Being a parent of a teenager can be even harder. Each episode we deliver tips, tools, tricks and stories to help you feel empowered, confident and energized as the parent of a teenager. Teenagers want to be happy. Sometimes they just need a little help along the way. Now here's your host, renee Sinning. Renee is a Certified Life Leadership and Success Coach for teenagers and their parents. She's also a mom of three young adults and an experienced high school educator of 18 years. Renee is well-versed in everything teen. Now, without any further ado, here's Renee Hi parents.
Renee:
It's Renee. Welcome to another episode of the Empowered Parent Podcast. On this episode, we are going to talk about the idea that the word no means no, and we're going to talk about this in a way to eliminate a little bit of conflict. So if you're the parent of a teen which I'm sure that you are or caregiver routine or you want to be listening to this then you have probably told your child a time or two no, and they have probably come back a time or two relentlessly asking you why not? Why can't I do this? What's the reason? Tell me why. Tell me why, etc. And so I'm going to talk about the idea that of the word no as being a full sentence and really the idea that no means no.
Renee:
So when our kids were growing up, we kind of instilled this in them early on, and it started with three kids, and we have three kids. But when they were younger they might you know kids, they're siblings, they pick on each other, they tickle each other, they poke each other or whatever. And we remember clearly when the kids were kind of like tickling each other and one of them was yelling no, stop, stop. But they kept going, and so really it was at that time that we taught our kids that no means no. When somebody says no, that is not only a full sentence, it is the end, it is hands off. And so and we taught our kids that the reason for this is because we're crossing somebody else's boundary. So if your kids are goofing around and they're tickling each other and they might be laughing for a while, and then all of a sudden one of the kids is like no, stop, stop. And they keep going. Well, when it gets to that point where one of the kids is saying no, stop, it's because their physical boundaries have crossed and we have a right to our own physical boundaries. And so once they said no, stop, our kids were taught that no means hands off. Even with us, if we were goofing around with our kids and maybe tickling them and they said no to us, it's an immediate hands off, stop, no more tickling. And that goes for any kind of sibling stuff like poking or whatever. And what's so great about teaching them that is that carried on throughout their whole childhood and it eliminated some conflict, because we were all of the understanding that when somebody says no, that means stop immediately, and so it doesn't have to escalate to that place of conflict.
Renee:
No means no. And the other piece of that is it creates consistency within the family. It creates consistency as a parent because you're able to if one of them isn't listening, you're able to come in and say hey, no means no, hands off, stop right now. That's the rule. You've crossed the boundary. You've crossed their physical boundary or their physical comfort level, and we don't have to understand why they're saying no it just when someone says no, that's it stop. And that teaches them. So for the girls, that taught them that as they became teenagers and whatever, and they were going out to have like boyfriends, the idea that no means no, and we reminded them of that. Remember no means no. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with and don't allow anybody to pressure you into anything. If you say no, that's your boundary and if the other person doesn't respect that, then they're not the right person for you and you need to really think hard about that because you have a right to your own physical boundaries. And then for our son, that taught him also that if he was dating a girl or ever is in a relationship and she says no, then that's her boundary and we respect that no means no and no one has a right to cross our physical boundaries, whether or not we understand it. We don't have to succumb to peer pressure and just as a parent parenting your kids, when you kind of get this no means no in place, it's, it feels safe for everybody because they're not going to be pushed beyond their comfort zone and once everybody kind of gets used to it, they know okay back off and it just worked really well. And so if you don't already have something like that in place, it's never too late to start. You can have a conversation with your kids and say, hey, from this point forward, no means no and this is why and this is what that means. So that's a physical piece of the no means no. As a parent, you don't have to engage in the wise when you tell your teens or tweens no. I think it's great.
Renee:
For me it was always important to explain my no, but it was a one time thing. No, you can't do this because. No, you're not going to have a sleepover tonight because no, I can't take you there because, because I just like the idea of giving the reason out of respect and kind of building that connection. But it was a one time thing, so and the kids knew that because the no means no was in place. And so if they say, can I do, can I have a sleepover next weekend? And I might say no, because you've already. You have a sleepover the last two weekends, we're not doing that this weekend, and that's that.
Renee:
If they start to badger, I just don't engage, you just don't engage. I say, is there anything else you want to talk about? And they kind of knew that once that was done, the no means no. That was end of discussion. I've already explained no. I've already explained my reason why. And so it's end of discussion and I just wouldn't engage with them anymore. They throw their little tantrums sometimes or whatever, but it really alleviated a lot of conflict because even if they badgered, I didn't respond to it. I would just change the subject Is there something else you want to talk about? Like, what else do you want to talk about? Is there anything else on your mind? Because they knew that I was. I was done with that. Like no means no.
Renee:
Having said that, you want to be careful with your nose if you're going to invoke something like this. So, because it was such a line for us. I was careful when I said no, so I didn't say no until I really meant it. So if it wasn't a finite no you're not doing this this weekend and I was still kind of thinking about it I would say I might say something like I'm leaning towards no, but let me think about it. And so that opened up space for maybe communication. Maybe they might want to explain themselves, maybe I'm gonna listen, maybe I will change my mind, but that wasn't a solid no, it's probably gonna be no, let me think about it for an hour or whatever that is. But that no means no kind of rule. Rule in place really alleviated so much conflict within the home while at the same time creating a safety net for the kids. Because kids, you know. They might be sitting on the couch and one of them starts poking the other one and again. Funny for a while or not, and as, but as soon as they say no, the other child knows hands off period. End of discussion.
Renee:
When someone says no, there's no room for keep in doing what you're doing. And then again, as the parent, when I say no again, I always gave an explanation. You can choose or not. Choose to do that, that's your call. But when I said no, because they knew that I'm not changing my mind, it wasn't a maybe, it wasn't, it was like, no, we're not doing this because, and then that's it. So there wasn't the ban. I mean, there was sometimes, but it never lasted long because I just didn't engage. That doesn't mean we were rigid, because we weren't, we were fair.
Renee:
But the flexibility piece comes in, where, before I say the no, I'm sure, so I'm not using that, no, well, maybe. Well, let me think about it. Because kids are great at manipulating their great at trying to, like, tear you down, make you feel guilty to change your mind, and it's easy to get stuck in that. And that's why we didn't use the word no until we actually fully minute. And so just an idea, food for thought. It helped us and our family. It helped everyone to be on the same page with understanding and knowing that when we said no, that was final, but anything other than a solid no, there could be room for discussion, we could talk about it, think about it, work through it, and so we didn't use that. We use it sparingly when we actually really minute. And that allowed for consistency, it allowed for respect, it didn't the kids weren't badgering you for a whole day or even an hour because you just don't engage.
Renee:
So again when they come back and say, well, why, you just say is there anything else you want to talk about? And or just change the subject or walk away or whatever, like they knew that that was final. Sometimes you get mad, slam the door or whatever. That's okay, because my job as a parent is to make the choices and the decisions that we felt were best for the family and for ourselves and for our kids, and so that worked really well for us. So if you don't have something like that in place again, it's not too late.
Renee:
Even if your kids are 16 or 17, you could literally have a family conversation with them and say, hey, this is, this is the deal. And I may not have been consistent to this point. I love you too much to argue, but from this point on, when I say no, that's the end. No means no period, end of discussion, and I promise that I won't use that word until it's a finality. But I'm not going to engage once. I've already told you no, and then, if you choose and how, you might say to them I'll explain why and my reasoning. But then that's that's it. But I won't say no until that's a final decision and leave you hanging.
Renee:
And so connection with our teens, open communication, that's so valuable. Kids yearn to feel seen, heard and valued and by giving them that little bit of explanation that also shows them respect, well, I'm saying no and this is why and they might not agree with you, and that's okay sometimes I mean most of the time they probably won't. If they're asking you to do something and you say no, they're not going to be excited about that because they're teenagers. But at the same time, if we use it sparingly and in the right way, it makes it a lot easier to be consistent, to have conversations, to open Doorways to communication, because you're only using that as a finality. But then again, the physical piece teaching our kids that that's a final. If you're touching somebody or if they're touching you, no means no period and there doesn't have to be any discussion Because if anybody is crossing your physical boundaries you don't have to give a reason. The reasoning more comes in when the kids are asking to do something and you're saying no. So I hope that makes sense. I hope this is helpful. It's not easy as a parent to be consistent. But sometimes if we take just this one thing, can you focus on that it really can eliminate conflict once you kind of get into the groove and everyone's on the same page. So I hope that makes sense.
Renee:
If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. This is just what we did within our family and it worked really great and it really eliminated so much with. They didn't badger us a lot because they did know they did a little bit Because they were teens and tweens, but not a lot because we just didn't engage and allow that conversation to keep going and also didn't take things personally when they said you're the worst parent ever. You don't understand anything. Everyone else gets to do it, because we didn't say no until we actually fully meant and so, yeah, just food for thought. I hope this is helpful and if you have any questions, reach out anytime. I love working with parents and teens to build those better connections, to boost confidence and just everyone feels good. We have a peaceful home, so we feel peaceful inside as well as on the outside, and same with your kids. So, yeah, see you later.
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